I’m in my first adult relationship and it’s both scary and very exciting. The only other times I can say I’ve ever come close to being in a relationship was back when I was five years old. I liked a boy who was a year older than me. One day, we both decided we liked each other and walked around our pre-school holding hands. It was that simple and innocent. The other time was when I was 12 years old. I used to be on this website called Habbo where you can make your own avatars and explore chat rooms in their online virtual world. I explored one of their chat rooms and somehow got myself a boyfriend the same age as me and who’s name I can’t seem to recall. Come to think of it, we never actually broke up. We just stopped talking after two days. I wonder what that means then for my relationship at present. Am I two-timing my Habbo boyfriend from ten years ago? Hmm…
As I was saying, this is my first real adult relationship. For the longest time, this was what I’ve always wanted in life. To be loved. To be in love. To have a boyfriend. I was a teenager with a lot of insecurities and it didn’t help that the closest people to me were fueling my insecurities. I have a grandfather who, all my life has always commented on the way I look and how much I weigh and how much food I eat. I had a best friend in high school who constantly put me down. I now realize she preyed on my vulnerabilities and projected her own insecurities onto me. She picked on how I look and she made what she did seem okay by treating me to gifts here and there to make it all better with our friendship. I look back and realize now that there was nothing wrong with me. I was fine just the way I was but my teenage self didn’t know that back then. I believed what they said about me; my grandfather and my high school best friend. I thought having a boyfriend would change all that (like magic!).
Being in a relationship now, I realize that’s not the case. Some things have changed but not entirely. I can say though that being loved by someone does help me learn to love myself better. However, there are days where I question why my boyfriend loves me because I can’t seem to find anything in me worth loving. I soon learned that it’s impossible to be happy with myself all the time. Self-love and my journey towards it is not a linear process. This journey has it’s ups and downs much like every other journey in life. I’m learning every day how to love myself. Some days, I need some help and it’s okay for me to admit that. What I realize now is that there will always be a girl prettier than me, smarter than me or richer than me but I’m lucky to be loved by someone who loves me for me and there’s no other girl who will be me. I am okay. I am enough. It’s hard for me not to compare myself to these other girls but I’m only human.
I used to believe that I can’t ever love someone when I can’t even love myself. I know now that with this journey I’m on, it is possible for me to take it slow. Loving myself is not a day’s work and I shouldn’t expect it to be. It’s going to take some time but I think I’m on the right path.