One time someone thought I worked for the local Cotton On and asked me whether the floral or the paisley kaftan would look better on his older girlfriend. That was when I knew I was qualified to answer some of life’s toughest quandaries. Over the past week, I’ve collected a few burning questions from fellow Monash students and have tried my best to provide insight.
Question: How to life
Ok lah, to be honest, it’s something I’ve constantly asked myself before I was inspired by legendary blogger, Xiaxue to get Invasalign to fix my wonky teeth.
But if you’re looking for ways to fix your life, or even need ways to sort out the fundamentals of your daily routine, I think it’s best to refer to my personal lord and savior Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s pretty much safe to say that legendary lifestyle site goop is my bible.
Goop’s newsletters have helped me with some of life’s hard decisions such as whether or not to eat cheese from a tin. Gwyneth has once mentioned that she’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin. As a true, qualified, life coach who has also admitted that she couldn’t pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year, she practices a pretty good balance in her life. In her very own words she’s said, “You know, I use organic products, but I get [laser treatments]. It’s what makes life interesting, finding the balance between ciagrettes and tofu,”.
Her impact on beauty trends among us girls also proves her existence as being a force to be reckoned with. Just ask any girl who’s bleached and fried the ends of their hair to a sickly tint of wheat. The reason they’ve refrained from serving her fully parted, bleached blonde fantasy is only due to the sheer resources to proper haircare. I mean, not everyone can afford an $800 haircut, right, ladies?
Alas, I digress. I don’t blame myself for being a pleb, still try to shop at retail prices whenever I can, though, because, girl/boy, sometimes you kind of have to treat yourself.
Why does the proverbs say look outside the box and not look outside the window or jug or ball or dice or mirror?
Why not do all of them at once?
My mornings usually start a mirror and a jug of water, from a really good filter of course, courtesy of goop’s 2015 gift guide.
And then I look outside the window to know the PosLaju folks are here to deliver my Carousell purchase.
Looking outside the dice? Do you hear what you’re saying yourself?
Why do people think I’m useless when I’m the essence of our existence? I breathe carbon dioxide for plants, don’t I?
You know what this reminds me of? The good old days of quality reality shows like The Simple Life where both Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie made good television out of putting on silly, useless characters. They’ve probably made them enough dough to have enough Juicy Couture sweat sets to last them for their entire lives.
What I’m saying is that you’ve got to kind of own that ‘useless’ factor and capitalize on it, yeah. Evidently, these girls are anything but useless and trivial. Build your own brand, and maybe you’ll come up with a really good single and get to play a few shows in Ibiza. If you’re really good, you might get to have your very own $2 billion dollar perfume empire.
You know what’s really useless? The outfit selections on Pokemon Go. Honestly, who dresses like that? Being semi-informed on internet subcultures, I think it’s safe to proclaim that health goth is dead. Stop trying to make health goth happen, it’s over.
Come on, Niantic, take some tips from the Kardashian video games.
Speaking of which, I’ve made my own mood board for what I’d like to see my character wear on Pokemon Go.
Team Instinct wears Vestments SS16, Team Valor wears Saint Laurent Couture FW16, and Team Mystic wears Louis Vuitton Menswear SS16.
Ms Lea Ding
Got a burning question? Medical or spiritual quandaries? Drop them here.