Dearest one,

Breakups are draining, and as a dumpee, it is understandable if you have resolved to cause your Ex to suffer as much as you did after the breakup. However, regardless of your role as dumper or dumpee, it is easy to become enticed with the prospect of establishing your emotional power over your Ex.

You know this only works if your Ex still cares about you. Somewhere at the back of your mind, you are aware of your lingering feelings for your Ex. The feelings that keep you up at night and follow you throughout the day like a horrid curse. You shake off these feelings and direct them toward your Ex… in a negative way. You want to cause them hurt.

Your obsession with your Ex paves the way to a fascination with the power you hold over them. Pushed to the brink of resentment, you make a resolution to get back at your Ex.

Do these thoughts make you think of a psychopath? However, our modern-day culture encourages us to “get back at” our Exes who’ve hurt us by flinging a few tonnes of hurt right back at them.

 

Retaliation! (Source)

 

You think the only way to move on and show up your Ex is by “winning” the breakup. You convince yourself that by showing your Ex how much you are enjoying the single and independent life, (or a new, exciting one filled with more attractive men/women) you would make your Ex jealous and miserable, and you would feel victorious. You’d finally get back at them for the pain they put you through.

Unlike a psychopath who feels no regret in causing pain, most people who have broken up are still sore over the breakup. You may think making your Ex jealous won’t hurt you. You may rejoice in the prospect of making them agonize over you and long for you. However, if your efforts have indeed proved successful, your Ex might reach out to you in desperation.

Isn’t this what you wanted? (Don’t try to deny it!) But hang on: they keyword here is “desperation”. This is not the kind of condition in which you want your Ex to contact you. If you two were meant to be, some time off may prove to be productive in bringing you BOTH closer as a couple. However, if it is clear to you, to your friends and family, and to the WORLD that you two are not fated, why stir up trouble?

If you have even one ounce of empathy in you (I know you do), won’t seeing your Ex in pain cause you pain? The ones who have feelings for their Ex will try to usurp them in the breakup. If your Ex ends up texting you again, what do you gain from maintaining this contact?

Maybe you don’t want to hurt your Ex, you argue. You just want to remind them what they have passed up. You want them to regret their choice of leaving you. You are a prize, and they don’t deserve you. You just want to shove it in their faces to make yourself feel better.

 

But I AM awesome! (Source)

 

Playing with your Ex’s emotions gives them false hope, at the same time feeds into your ego. On an unconscious level, you are manipulating your Ex’s feelings not just because you are deeply wounded, but because you are afraid that they would have the courage to cut you off and move on with their life before you do. It also demonstrates your insecurities.

You are afraid to lose them completely. You are terrified they will find someone better than you before you do. To sum it up: You are playing mind games with them for your own selfish gains.

For all I know, you could be the victim of such a power play, and as you are reading this your anger flares. Good. I want to open up your eyes to the control your Ex has on your life. The question is: Are you allowing it?

Are you maintaining contact with your Ex for the same selfish reasons? Are you convinced that your Ex still has feelings for you? That is all very well, but is your Ex doing anything to make you believe they sincerely want to reconcile the relationship?

The question is: Who really is the winner of a breakup? 

To answer this question, we have to understand the basics of a breakup.

A couple who has been in a relationship breaks up because something about the relationship is BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR.

Most people bounce through the five stages of grief after a breakup: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, though probably not in that order. You may find yourself progressing steadily through each phase, skipping one, or regressing back a few stages. That’s okay. Relapses do happen. There is, however, a final stage which will present you the key to breaking out of this obsessive looping.

The best and most guaranteed way to escape the clutches of this grip your Ex has on you is to simply LET GO. Any amount of resistance on either party is just going to pull the other back when both should focus on moving on. If you have just broken up, you know firsthand the intensity of the heartbreak, despair, and hopelessness that accompanies a breakup. If you really care about your Ex, please spare them these feelings. I guarantee you a peace of mind if you let your Ex move on with their life, just as you should be focusing on yourself.

Stop obsessing over your Ex. The more time you spend thinking about them, the longer you are pushing back your healing process. Give yourself that much-needed recovery time to be your own person. Have enough courage and self-worth to let go and find yourself again.

Give yourself time to grieve. After all, a breakup is like a death. While you mustn’t deny yourself the sadness of losing a loved one, remember that, like a death, losing a loved one means they are no longer in your life. Don’t reach out to your Ex out of loneliness or nostalgia. If your Ex is on the road of moving on, bless them and let them go, don’t hinder their progress. You are only going to come across as desperate and pathetic. In the end, in your efforts to hurt them, you would just be damaging your own healing progress.

 

It has to get better (Source)

 

To answer the question: The “winner” of any breakup is the one who CARES THE LEAST.

If you are on the receiving end of these ‘mind games’, you would be familiar with the hurt caused by an Ex who seems to not care about you anymore. The person you still love has simply moved on without you!

So, why not just cut them from your life? You don’t have to block them if it makes you anxious about losing them forever. (After all, the MUTE option on Social Media was created for a reason!) However, you DO need to let go of the relationship, even if you still love your Ex. The best way to do this is limit or stop all contact with your Ex. (You can do it – be brave!)

Dearest one, there is only one way you can get over someone who has been pulling you and pushing you, and messing with your heart and mind: CUT THEM OFF.

You are not going to move on if you continue a relationship by texting them or watching their daily stories on Snapchat. You are just going to be reminded that you love them Every. Single. Day. (Excuse the pun). How can you recover properly while still maintaining that communication with someone who has given up on you? On the other hand, Dumpers, why would you mess with someone who you know still loves you, but you know isn’t the right one for you?

Don’t wait for your Ex to cut you from their life. Heartbreakers tend to want to keep you around to gain from you what they’ve always gained from you WITHOUT the obligation, outside the context of a definite and secure relationship. Is that how you want to be treated? Ask your friends, ask yourself: is that what you deserve?

Accept that your Ex is just not the right lifelong partner for you. Accept that even if you do try to give the relationship another shot, it won’t be the same, for one or both of you would always have doubts about the other person. Hurt doesn’t heal overnight, and it certainly does not disappear if you keep going back to the person who hurt you. Your cure is not in your Ex, nor is it in another person. You can only get closure and peace from yourself by allowing yourself that healing time.

To end this post, I want to share with you a video (by Jenna Anne) that has helped me in my healing process: If you have a broken heart, WATCH THIS. Take comfort in her words, and trust that you made the right decision in letting them go. I hope Jenna’s message will sink into you eventually, and you will finally understand that the best thing you can do to yourself is to have that time away from your Ex to recover and get on with your life. 🙂

XX

Love, Tiff


Leave a comment